Disclaimer: This post is an attempt to poke fun at the patriarchal stalwarts of this country. Any resemblance to any man, living or dead, is purely intentional and based on years of disgruntlement and animosity felt towards the poor culture of women rights in this great nation of ours. For those of you men who are not able to relate to the men in this post, that’s only because our society thinks you should be the boy with the high pitch in the choir (pun intended), much like yours truly has been told many times.
Ah, it is women’s day again. The one day in the year, when suddenly women are the focus of everyone’s attention. All you ladies, today is your day, to revel under the shine and take pride in your gender identity. As we all sit and celebrate the lovely women in our lives, let us discuss, what our society is convinced is, undoubtedly the most important priority for all of you, finding a man.
There are many distinct advantages to dating an Indian man. But to truly get around to understanding them, you all have to first realise that independence is overrated. All that time spent being responsible for your own actions, having power over your own destinies, earning your own money, etc., what has that given you except making you look like arrogant little pains in the backside? Is this really worth it? So if you see independence as I do, then you will be able to appreciate the unique charms of the Indian man.
You all want a boyfriend or a husband like your dad right? Well an Indian boyfriend or a husband, is not just like your dad, but he is big daddy himself. Like many of his compatriots around the world, the Indian man is perfect. He knows every direction to every destination, he can speak all languages, at least the ones that matter and most of all; he cares. He cares enough to ask (tell) you where you are going, who you are speaking to over the phone, what job you can take, what you are doing with your salary, who are the friends you can trust and who are the friends you cannot. In fact, if you are still a student, he will even tell you to not distract yourself and study hard to score well, unless of course he is himself the distraction in which case the exams don’t determine your intelligence. Tell me girls, isn’t this more awesome than having a dad?!
The Indian man will make you want to be a better woman! He is blunt and straightforward and wears his heart in his fist. Hang out with him long enough and he will help you introspect about your every flaw, every shortcoming and every deficiency in personality, even if they don’t exist! You feel the need, the need to become perfect? Well, an Indian boyfriend is just what the doctor ordered. He was doing well all the while in class and now his grades are slipping? Well you screwed it up. He had a great job going and lost it? You are to blame. You agreed to go out with him? That’s why he got distracted and therefore lost focus. You didn’t agree to go out with him? He was so depressed and that’s why he was put on a performance review plan at work. Keep aside all sense of arrogance (self esteem), assertiveness (self esteem) and self obsession (sense of self worth). You will learn humility (slavery), because as a woman, pride is unbecoming and who better than your own boyfriend or husband to teach you that!
The Indian man is so innocent. Being with him, either as his girlfriend or a wife is a lot like taking care of a beautiful little child, not unlike Chucky from the movie Child’s Play (refer to picture below). But that also means you have maternal responsibilities. As the girlfriend or the wife, you will have to bathe him, iron his clothes, feed him his favourite food, prepare it exactly like the way his mother prepares it, not because you have to, because you want to. He is so naïve in fact, that any evil temptress can get him to take his clothes off and rape him. An Indian man is so precious that evil witches wearing sexy dresses all over the place are waiting to cast their spell and make him their slave. Poor fellow, he is never safe, at home or on the streets. But as a woman what would you know about that right?! You will begin to feel like you have a kid of your own, even without going through all the labour pains. Because that’s the Indian man, he can be both father and son, a lot like the Holy Trinity minus the holiness. Heck, he can be anyone you want him to be!
Lastly, being a woman should be such a weight on your shoulder right. You have to be selfless, dress appropriately, study well, work hard, earn money, come back and press your mother in law’s legs and after all that, you are expected to make love to your husband. No wonder a recent report by a reputed scientific study found that many women fake an orgasm. But in a country where marital rape is legal, you don’t have to fake it because frankly the Indian man doesn’t care about your orgasm! In fact, if you remotely give an impression that as a normal human being, you quite enjoy physical intimacy, the Indian man will sit in the corner of the room, cross his arms and stare at the wall frowning, very much like Chucky (refer to picture above). So you don’t have to fake any happiness or pleasure at all. Because the Indian man wants you for who you are, nothing more and nothing less.
At this juncture I have to stop to address my compatriots directly. My colleagues in the glory called manhood, are wondering why just Indian men? Well, because we are special. Can any other man make women’s day about men like the genius author of this post? I think not! Because other men haven’t grown up under a Indian mother, Indian aunties, Indian sisters and Indian grandmother. Let us stop and therefore express our gratitude. Who we are today is thanks largely, in part, to the women in our lives. If they didn’t support our rise to power and our sustained hold over it, we would never be in this place of comfort today. Take a moment to thank your mother for hating your wife, your wife for hating your mother, for the grandmother who doesn’t like your dark skinned sister, to your girlfriend who called the girl wearing a tank top, a slut and all the other members of the better gender today. You couldn’t be the patriarchal stalwart you are without their unwavering loyalty to you. So thank them by hitting them, by whistling at them, by staring at them inappropriately, stalking them, taking their photos without their knowledge and by generally showing them your love and interest in the only way you know how, like the grizzly bear! So Happy Women’s day to one and all!
The Choir Boy With the High Pitch aka Namard