As a friend of mine became aware of my recent fight with a viral fever, in addition to an aching back and copious weight loss, the immediate reaction was to suggest marriage. My paternal grandmother, in all her infinite magnanimity and genius, probably blames my mother although how my mother, a woman in her 50′s, is expected to subdue her 25 year old kid in the prime of his strength and intelligence, is a question unresolved. Yet, it brings me face to face with a much darker reality, viz., humanity doesn’t think much of man’s intelligence.
Really- as a man, we are deemed unfit and incapable of taking care of ourselves. I could for example run head first into a bullet train, or jump into a cauldron full of liquid steel, maybe even dive head first into a waterless pool from the Bhurj Kalifa and yet, it will be my wife or mother to blame. I could eat junk food, not exercise and suffer a heart attack- it will still be my non existent wife’s fault. I could end up not finding love and never getting married- oh wait, that would be my parent’s fault. And when I do succeed, there is still a woman who is supposedly standing behind me. Bottom line, the good and bad in my life is the direct result of what the women in it did or did not do. Now who is that idiot who called it a patriarchal society?!
But hey, there is an advantage. Remember all the times when a judgemental society bereft of empathy and any semblance of fairness decided to point that intimidating finger, central to the palm, towards the man calling him a vile creature who abdicates responsibility the first opportunity he gets. Well, the jokes on you buddy! After all how can we abdicate responsibility when we are incapable of it in the first place. Indian society, headed by the great institution I call my grandmother, sees us as no better than the quintessential neighbourhood King Kong, whose exposure to the civilised world inspires the kind of panic that caused it to look at the Empire State Building as a giant jungle gym! Yes, the reputation enjoyed by the ordinary man is no less than that of King Kong. Mighty, powerful and in the absence of female authority and company- lost, violent and stupid. The only thing that makes the life of King Kong any less troublesome is that his wife and mother are not blamed for his entry into New York. Yes, even King Kong was expected to do better for himself notwithstanding absence of female company. But, not a man, no siree!
Maybe design is to blame. A woman’s design after all is like a finely plastered wall, no vile growths. Rather it is all artistically molded and perfectly aerodynamic. A man’s design on the other had has this gaping protrusion. It was almost as if the construction guy splattered cement on the wall and forgot to smoothen it out. To make life easier, the motivation to direct blood flow downwards was stronger than the motivation to direct it towards the Central Processing Unit. After all if a man has to send blood flow upwards, it requires a strong heart and a strong heart implies the high pitch of the choir boys! The results were awful, just awful. Suddenly there are little people…everywhere, billions and billions of them. Whats worse- majority of them are boys too? Not only does it eat and sleep now, it also self replicates! Take that all of you zombies, men are better!
Yet while we most earnestly consider reciprocating the gesture of the central finger society points at us, let us, for a second, look into the mirror. Bad relationship with the kid, that was work’s fault. Kidnapped Michelle Knight, confined her for decades and raped her repeatedly- Poor Ariel Castro was manipulated by Porn. Whistled at a girl? Her skirt manipulated the road side romeo..Levis Jeans is such a evil witch! And when was the last time a woman was in the news for such innovative reasoning? Bad PR or simply BeeR (sad joke, I take responsibility), we have done a shitty job representing testosterone. If I was Donald Trump running the pharmaceutical concoction called the male anatomy, I would fire the man for being a terrible brand ambassador.
All the men out there-really, is this what you want to be known as? For generations, our great grandfathers, their fathers and their forefathers did a shining job of establishing our reputation as gluttonous, envious, insecure beings indulging in large scale and indiscriminate sperm warfare.How long will we allow society to blame our mothers and wives for the shit we do to ourselves and to those around us? For once, answer the question instead of running to the top of Empire State Building with Naomi Watts in your hand…